Hi! My name is Justin. Humor me while I write a few pages of useless code that'll never be published on the Internet. I'm just really bored and have nothing better to do. So, please, humor me as I talk about my fucked-up life. Note: Entires go from most recent to oldest. READ AT YOUR OWN RISK!!!
Fuck you. Fuck her. Fuck them. FUCK THE WHOLE GODDAMN WORLD.
I suppose two are allowed to be spared. The first because it's not her fault. The second because she didn't do anything and she'll always be there for me.
Pessimist I am and pessimist I'll always be. Why did I forget that? At least it's better than what I forgot last time. I'm seeing the other side now. What really is the truth?
I can't wait to see her face when it happens. Right now, that'll be the happiest day of my life. What the hell does she know, anyway?
Life sucks. One little promise is all that's keeping me from moving on...permanently.
-Whatshisname
NOTE: Read previous journal first!
So I'm sitting here at my computer tonight, really fucking bored and with my hands & shoulder dripping with blood. Why not post two entires tonight?
Should I explain? Or should I just leave you in the dark? I guess the second option is kinda hypocritical: "It frustrates me that we want to help, but she keeps shutting us out." I know Gina told me to stop cutting, and I did for awhile, but of course something just had to happen to change that. Background information is needed...
Earlier this week, Gina and I had planned to go to Mr. Phoenixville tonight. It's basically a male beauty pagent: a bunch of seniors get up on stage and parade about in bikinis and other such garments. Not exactly my brand of entertainment, but hey, it's a night with Gina. Anyway, her mom got to being a bitch (we suspect PMS) and decided that Gina couldn't go. However, Gina was allowed to go out on either Friday or Sunday night. So we decided to go see Cursed on Sunday night (what is it with us and Sundays?). Then yesterday, Gina's parents have a change of plans again. Turns out that they're going out on Friday night, so she's allowed to go to Mr. Phoenixville and to see Cursed. So I ask my parents if I can go to Mr. Phoenixville. They say no, and I'm bummed, but at least I get to go to the movies with Gina. So then today, Gina calls me up from Steph's house and asks if I can go to Mr. Phoenixville, to which I reply that my parents won't let me. She pressures me to ask again, which I do. They still won't let me because my 10-year-old brother is apparently incapable of watching himself for ~2 hours. We wind up having this long conversation (with the occasional input from Steph) with Gina coming up with wild schemes for me to be allowed to go to Mr. Phoenixville. I know that none of these will work, because the more I pressure my parents, the more they get pissed, and I don't want to do anything to ruin our date tomorrow. Which is wierd for me to say, because Steph is on speaker phone with Gina. Anyway, Gina concludes that I just didn't try hard enough because I really don't want to go. This is NOT true. I did everything I could within comfortable limits and without jepordizing Sunday's date. There is no reason that I would not want to be with her for the night, but she insists that it's my fault. She also hangs up on me, and just leaves me hanging. Granted, I hung up on her & Steph before, but that was more of a joke and I did call back. Needless to say, I'm frustrated and also a little pissed.
Why can't she understand what I am trying to do? I know that she doesn't want to go to Mr. Phoenixville with just Becky and Steph there, and that she would have more fun if I was there. Does she think that I'm enjoying myself all alone here at home? Because this is not my fucking idea of a nice fucking night having a whole lot of fucking fun all fucking alone with just my stupid fucking brother for company while he watches that stupid fucking TV. Did I get the fucking point across? I would much rather be with her than stay here all night. I try to balance this with the fact that my parents get real pissed, real fast and I don't want to do anything remotely close to ruining our date tomorrow. I want to try and say this to her, that I love her and I'm not trying to blow her off, but Steph is there - making it awkward - and nobody seems to listen. So I see this as a tradeoff: she doesn't listen to what I have to say for one night, and I do the same.
OK, so this isn't the whole reason I'm bleeding tonight, but this is the thing that pushed me over the edge. As Becky said in her situation, "It's a whole lot of things that added up", and this just happened to be what set me off. Funny how it's the little things that seem to have that ability. So on the feelings list (previous entry) I have explained love, a little anger, and depression. That leaves hate, still some anger, and sadness. What about happiness? I went over to Becky's house on Tuesday and had fun in the snow and setting up her computer. Gina was there for most of the time, which is always good. We also got to read Becky's infamous black notebook...
Alright, that means that I still have to explain some things. Mainly the feelings, many of which are tied to the aforementioned Black Notebook and the previous entry's "tendencies". Want me to explain them tonight? Too fucking bad. I'm tired and I have to take a shower and wash my shirt before my parents come home and notice the blood everywhere. I managed to make pretty deep cuts tonight, so the blood's flowing pretty freely. Sorry for the graphic image, but I need to get the point across. Mostly, I'm sorry for Gina. I hope this is the last promise to you I ever have to break.
Before I go, I should mention that I plan to make another major update to this site. You can expect a new homepage (I will be moving this entry and the 2/28 one to it) and more good music/lyrics. I also promise to talk about happier (or at least less depressing) stuff next time. TTFN.
-Justin
Hmmm...where should I start? It's hard to organize your thoughts when you havve feelings of both love & hate, anger & sadness, happiness & depression running through your head all at once.
I guess I should start by saying that Gina and I are now officialy going out (hence the feelings of love). We had an "outing" roughly two weeks ago when we went to see Boogeyman (this was before anything was official), which I suppose was a sort of prelude of what was to come. By the way, the movie sucked. Besides that, I had a great time just being with Gina. Afterwards, we went to Oaks Pizzeria; all in all, it was really fun. Gina might beg to differ on the car ride, though (her mom made it really awkward). Anyway, any further excursions will now be considered dates. W00t w00t!
Gina got me to tell her about one of my worst experiences with Sarah. I got to re-live it twice: (1)Writing it all down and (2)dreaming about it again. Yay. I still won't tell her (or anyone else, for that matter) why she can't see Sarah and what my right-arm cut is for. Speaking of cuts, Becky has been at it again. Yes, she does it too. When she gets that way, she is capable of tremendous physical feats & scarring her feet & shoulders. Granted, she probably doesn't do it as much as I did (or still do), but they're still there. Becky won't tell us (me & Gina) what caused this sudden onset, though. All we know for sure is that Becky ran for 6 miles, collapsed in the snow, woke up a half hour later with her face covered in snow, and then went inside to cut. Actually, I think I have a pretty good idea what at least some of it is about. With a little help from Sarah, I have been able to regain my emotion-detecting abilites (I can "read" people). I have noticed several subtle interesting...tendencies occurring lately, all of which I'm basically too lazy to explain here. Perhaps I shall explain them in the next entry. Also, Becky and Gina are having some sort of contest (that I'm not allowed to know about, of course), which might also have had an adverse effect on her. I just hope I can get my speculations confirmed/denied sometime soon.
I feel bad for Gina (I was the one who had to confirm her suspicions about Becky's cutting), who has to deal with all this remotely, but I feel the worst for Becky. I know what it feels like to have to cut yourself. It frustrates me that we want to help, but she keeps shutting us out. Sorry for the short, depressing entry, but I had to get that off my back. Next time, I will definitely add more (hopefully uplifting) stuff. The more we have off, the more I can write. C'mon, dammit, snow harder! TTFN.
-Justin